I'm doing okay, but the craziest things keep intruding on my thoughts and making me cry. Today it's the fact that I'm going to die as a bald woman. It wasn't long ago that I had a full head of hair that was long and shiny. I didn't realize it then, but my hair made me feel more feminine. It was a big part of my identity. I have acute myeloid leukemia and had several rounds of chemo and other interventions in a failed effort to beat it I hated watching my hair fall out day by day, so I finally just shaved it all off like ripping off a bandage in one quick go. And it was fine. Truly. Except that today it hit me that I will die before my hair has a chance to grow back. It sent me running for the tissues.
I can have several good days in a row, then something sad will pop into my head that sends me spiraling again. Logically, I guess I'm just mourning what will never be. It's probably normal. These thoughts seem to come out of the blue though and I find the experience jarring.