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Added on Wed 18th Mar 2020 11:56pm   Last edited on Sat 21st Mar 2020 5:50pm

Brenda Turpin

Hospice Facility or No?

I was all set to move into a hospice care home after being waitlisted for a long time.  I thought it would be best for me.  I met everyone and they are so nice.  I am getting weaker by the day and I'd rather keep some dignity by having nurses who can help me with my hygiene than to have my kids see my everything.  I don't want to be waited on by my husband either.  He is older than I am and has a bad back.  The hospice facility can better manage my pain too.  It sounds ideal, right?  Well, it was until the coronavirus got going.  It hasn't happened yet, but there's a chance that the facility will go on lockdown in the future and visitation will stop.  That means I'll probably die without seeing my family ever again.  I'm in tears over this!  I was supposed to move in today, but I put it off and they're giving me five more days before releasing my spot to someone else on the waiting list.  What would you do in my shoes?

Added on Thu 19th Mar 2020 7:31am   Last edited on Thu 19th Mar 2020 7:31am

A.J. Patterson

This is a tough one.  I don't know which option is best for you, but I wouldn't want to be somewhere without getting to see my friends and family.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough to forgo that type of support. 

Added on Fri 20th Mar 2020 8:38am   Last edited on Fri 20th Mar 2020 8:38am

Paul Jacobs

I would talk to your family about it and see what they say.  On the one hand, I imagine you guys want to spend as much time together as possible.  On the other hand, I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want my relative to hurt.  It's likely to get worse, right?  And if your prescription isn't enough to dull the pain, then you might need a morphine drip and that's where you'd get it.  

Added on Fri 20th Mar 2020 9:48am   Last edited on Fri 20th Mar 2020 9:48am

Brenda Turpin

We've all discussed it and I think it's particularly hard on my adult children.  The thing is, I do my best to hide my pain from them.  They aren't being selfish for wanting me to stay, they just don't know, and I don't want them to know.  My husband is another story, he can see right through my charade.  I don't want my kids or grandkids to know what's really going on, so I ask him to cover for me.  He doesn't like doing that but wants to make me happy.  He's adamant that I need to go to the facility because they'll make me comfortable and I can focus on me instead of worrying about everyone else. My daughter wants to move in here to take care of me.  I do not want that!  She has a family and a life.  I want to keep my dignity too!

Added on Fri 20th Mar 2020 12:49pm   Last edited on Fri 20th Mar 2020 12:49pm

A.J. Patterson

I see what you mean now.  Really, I think it's hard for kids any age to accept the death of their parent no matter where you are or why it happens. Of course, we all know they'll heal in time and I think the messages we're creating through Story Garden will help with the grieving process. In the meantime, there's lots of ways to communicate that don't include coming into physical contact.  Have you checked with the facility to see if you guys can chat over the webcam?  Plus, it sounds like the facility hasn't been locked down yet.  Maybe they could help you move in. 

Added on Fri 20th Mar 2020 8:35pm   Last edited on Fri 20th Mar 2020 8:35pm

Kendra Lee

Honey, if you're hurting, you should go. I say that because you don't know whether you'll have access to care in the future.  Due to the coronavirus, your options might be severely limited later on.  Just tell your kids that the pain is no longer manageable.  They'll understand.  I read your journal entry about your recent birthday celebration and it's clear that you have a loving family and that you guys are close.  That connection never goes away, no matter the distance.  I'm sorry that you're hurting, Brenda.  I hope you can find peace with whichever decision you make.  I'll be thinking about you guys and I'm here for you if you want to talk. Just shoot me a private message.  

Added on Sat 21st Mar 2020 6:54am   Last edited on Sat 21st Mar 2020 6:54am

Brenda Turpin

I talked to the facility again and they're going to let me come on Monday morning.  My husband called our kids last night and invited them over for dinner today.  We'll tell them all then. They've known I planned to go and had everything lined up, it's the coronavirus that sent things in a tailspin. We'll get it sorted out.  Thank you for listening to me and for helping me see reason.  Thank you for caring about an old, internet stranger. 

Added on Sat 21st Mar 2020 5:50pm   Last edited on Sat 21st Mar 2020 5:50pm

Randy Gillis

Brenda, I'm so glad you got things worked out.  I hope you have an easy time getting moved.  If you feel up to it, give us an update once you get settled.